My sheets look like a crime scene.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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