we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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