I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude i'm inner monologue high
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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