God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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