I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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