He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
