you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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