We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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