I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
