my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
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