Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
