i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
