I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
