you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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