My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
