im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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