i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
