So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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