I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
