wakey wakey hands off snakey
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
