As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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