So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
