If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
