The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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