Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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