dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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