He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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