I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
