My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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