my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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