Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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