I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
