Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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