he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
