Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
True strength comes from lack of pants
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
