I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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