oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
