If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
