wakey wakey hands off snakey
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I think I am morally bankrupt
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize