I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
