I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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