he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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