Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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