there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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