I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
