My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
