I am spending my child support on dildos
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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