I'd wear matching sweaters with you
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
