he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
