In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
