i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
