My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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