Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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