quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Houston, we have a blender
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Randomize
