How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
