belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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